find yourself

Before he was born
They flooded me with unsolicited advice
They told me it would be hard, “Just wait; you’ll see.
They showed me what to do and what not to do.
They were all wrong.
I had no idea what I was doing and I loved it.

What must it be like to carry a child for 9 months.
It’s foolish to imagine it.
Moms have a head start.
Dads catch up.
Instinct came from some unknown region.
Waking up for 2 am to 8 am shift was heaven.
Indescribable special times.
Music, anime shows, the late winter rains, my exhausted and confused dog.
Everything made a new attachment to each moment.

Learning how to tell stories (still am)
Understanding how to tell time, prioritize and sacrifice (still am)
Waiting patiently (sometimes)
Looking for approval as much as he does (more than sometimes)
Having to re-learn (or is it un-learn) what I knew.
Everything I knew was wrong and no longer applied.
I hated not knowing until I understood to love it.
Frustrating, yes.  Tiring, sometimes.
What he learns, I will learn.

They all had advice, lessons, regrets and hopes.
In all of it there were two truths.

It goes so very quickly.
I blinked; he grew.
I slept; he laughed.
I watched; he ran.


My heart exploded.
I’m a writer and I don’t know how to tell him.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to show him enough.
I don’t know how to stop trying.

How can I tell you…